The Mystery of Shuffle

Day 7: Put your music player on shuffle and write the first 10 songs

Kings of Leon - Knocked Up

Wall of Voodoo - Mexican Radio

Pearl Jam - The End

Arctic Monkeys - From the Ritz to the Rubble

Jack Johnson - Go On

Jeff Conaway & John Travolta - Greased Lightnin'

Joe Purdy - Lovers Side of Town

The Black Keys - Heavy Soul

Mumford & Sons - Not With Haste

Garbage - Special

Please Take That Sweater Off Of Your Dog

Day 5: Five pet peeves

5. People who wear sunglasses indoors

4. When food goes bad in the fridge

3. When my ice cream melts

2. Poor grammar (their/there/they're, you're/your)

1. When people clip their toe nails and finger nails inside and don't clean them up

In Somnis Veritas

Day 4: Things you want to say to an ex.

We were doing so well. You would call me just to tell me about the waves or a photo opportunity or about climbing a mountain. I would laugh and shake my head as I listened to your voicemails, your slow hippie drawl and your choppy chuckles. I was so busy that I missed almost all of your calls, but you were patient and laid back. When I would pick up the phone, you were always so surprised. I loved those moments, when we would banter on about being absent and joke around in phony accents. My jar of pennies is near full now, so I might be able to fly to you! I promised you I would visit you when I graduated and I intended to… until you cut me off…

It was a bittersweet romance and I never had a better companion. You embodied who I wanted to be, and you understood that I had to first pay my dues to society before we could run away together. I loved your nerve. In high school you would mouth off to a teacher, spring up out of your desk, and march out of the classroom. It’s funny we got along so well. I was always so obedient and polite while you were a renegade to society.

I thought that the break up was the end of you and I. It was painful, even for me. I was so worried about you that I called your mom to voice my concern about the possibility of you committing suicide. You hated this city, felt it sucked the life out of people. I knew that was true, too, but didn’t admit it. You said: “And that’s where we differ somewhat on our views of the world. I’ve wanted to live a life where I can affect as many people as possible in a positive way through my actions, and them seeing how I live my life on a day to day basis. I wanna see what the world is about, it’s people, it’s plants, it’s animals, before I’m not gonna be here to see it anymore. We only have one life to live, and if we get stuck in the ‘normal interpretation’ of life… of go to school, get a job, a family, and die… then how have we experienced life for ourselves? The only thing we have done is accepted what society thinks we should do, and its no different from becoming a cow walking into a slaughterhouse just because all of his buddies are doing it. To me, I’ll give up anything to live life where I can live it for it’s experiences its been my dream forever, I’ve just been unaware of how to accomplish that, until recently, and I’ll give up anything to make it a reality. It’s not just my dream. It’s what I am going to do.”

And then you left to pursue your dream.

Time and space directed us back to a healthy friendship. I would tell you everything on my mind, without a filter. You would do the same. I was so happy just knowing you were happy. Living the dream.

But this all boils down to April of 2013. I haven’t heard from you since.

I thought you could be traveling. Or taking a break from technology. Maybe you were busy, or testing me to see the lengths I’d go to reach you. I called, I texted, I emailed, I waited. Then I called again, texted again, emailed again. Nothing.

What the fuck going on? Did I say something wrong? Who are you these days? Where are you these days? Why are you ignoring me? Have you let someone take over your life and the people important to you?

Please. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and this separation makes me angry and sorrowful and baffled all at once. It’s true that you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone.

“I miss you – like a flower misses its petals during the cold.

I miss you – like a teddy bear misses its stuffing, after the jack terrier grabs hold.

I miss you – like a sailor misses the stars on an overcast night.

I miss you – like a soldier misses his wife, during an overseas fight.”

Now that you’re gone, I am certain that I miss you more than ever.

December 3, 2014

Day 3: Bullet your whole day

• Woke at 7:00ish AM
• Walked 5.3 miles with my mom
• Made an egg and cheese bagel sandwich, yum
• Started a fire in the hearth, it’s way cold this week
• Initiated Pandora and hooked it up the home’s main stereo (nice and loud, of course)
• Soaked ten old spice jars in a homemade concoction of vinegar, baking powder, dish soap, and very hot water (found the idea on Pinterest, worked pretty well)
• Scoured Pinterest for cute spice jar labels – failed to find any that pleased my mother
• Scraped the labels off the soaked spice jars (not my favorite hobby)
• Scrolled through Texas A&M Job Board for any fascinating jobs – found a couple and printed out the applications
• Made some bomb zucchini bread
• Played guitar – practiced all my favorite songs
• Filled the front yard bird feeders
• Went on a run: 6 miles, two bathroom stops, zero coyote sightings (I see at least one per day!)
• Did a 30 minute Nike Training Club strength workout
• Ate some zucchini bread
• Took a shower
• Helped Mom prepare dinner – made pico de gallo, sliced avacado, made a salad
• Played more guitar
• Enjoyed a fantastic family dinner – bulgar-stuffed poblano peppers
• Watched three episodes of Weeds (season 1) on Netflix
• Brushed and flossed my teeth
• Hit the hay around 10:00 PM

Exciting, I know! The life of the unemployed...

"Music Touches Us Emotionally, Where Words Alone Can't"

Day 2: Eight songs you love right now

1. Do I Wanna Know - Arctic Monkeys

It was hard to pick just one song from Arctic Monkeys new album AM, but this song took the cake, mostly because it's so charming. It lies on the brink of somehow being both dark and corny at the same time; yet instead it's just a well written, musically simple tune. There are so many great lines in it: ""Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow, and I play it on repeat until I fall asleep." Been there, done that.

2. Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran

Intense and passionate, this song comes straight from the heart. The music video tells a gripping story and the emotion in his voice throughout the song fluctuates from grief to rage to a melodious poem at the end. I can listen to it on repeat all day.

3. Last Request - Paolo Nutini

Not only is Paolo Nutini's voice comforting and unique, but his words ring almost as achingly true as Bon Iver's in I Can't Make You Love Me. I can definitely relate to that feeling where you know the love is gone and there is no hope, but you can't physically let it slip away. "Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere, but one last time lets go there. Lay down beside me."

4. The Lengths - The Black Keys

This is the calmest, slowest Black Keys song I've heard, barely beating out These Days. I'm a sucker for sad love songs and this one is especially beautiful because it's rare coming from an rockin' band. My favorite lines are "I felt you leaving, before you'd even gone. Hold me now, never ever hold me again." The heartbreak and the lyrical contrast are so painfully real. One of those golden songs you pull out of an otherwise upbeat album. 

5. And We Danced - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

This is truly a genius song. I'm not too fond of how mainstream Macklemore is, but he definitely caught my attention with this one. It's funny, great to dance to, and the music video is a MUST SEE!

6. Tip Of the Tongue - The Donnis Trio

An incredibly soothing song, the chorus is what hooked me: "If I wait long enough now, will you come to me? Will you come to me? So far away but right beside me, will you come to me? Will you follow me home?" It's not especially literately profound, but there is so much feeling behind those words. 

7. Blood - The Middle East

This one hit hard the first time I heard it. I ended up texting both of my brothers that I love them. The song is about family pains. I really take my family life for granted because everything has gone so well - no divorces, no untimely deaths, no big blow outs. We are tight, and I love that. This song makes me grateful to have a loving family.

8. 40 Day Dream - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

This is just a great, funky song! I'm learning it on guitar right now. So much fun! Warning: in the video link, the song actually starts at around 1 minute so skip forward or just hang in there, haha..


And just because I couldn't help myself, I have to list my eight favorite artists right now:
1. Arctic Monkeys
2. Eric Hutchinson
3. The Black Keys
4. Jason Mraz
5. Kings of Leon
6. Ed Sheeran
7. Josh Ritter
8. The Lumineers / Of Monsters and Men (it's a tie!!)

Be Not Afraid of Greatness

Day 1: What are three things you wish you were great at?

1. I wish I were a great musician.

Mainly, a harmonious voice and wicked guitar skills. It’s always been a dream of mine to perform. I imagine myself playing guitar and singing for a small group of people at an open mic night. Shoot, I'd even be happy if I could play a couple songs and throw them on YouTube! Practice, practice, practice... this dream is actually attainable.

2. I wish I were a phenomenal dancer.

I watched the entire season of Dancing With the Stars and was constantly envious of how well the professional dancers moved their bodies. I used to dance when I was younger – ballet, tap, jazz, cheerleading, modern, and a tad of ballroom – and even now I throw on some funky tunes and dance every chance I get. To be a professional dancer would be a dream! 

3. I wish I were great at memorization.

I have a terrible memory. I feel my grades would have been sky-high in college if I were able to memorize well. It’s just such a handy skill – memorizing lines from a movie, names of new acquaintances, words in other languages, the capitals of every state in the U.S., the list goes on! Not only is it a great social skill, but it’s so handy in life, and clears the clutter of post-it notes and scrap paper!

New Month, New Goals

December Blogging Challenge

1.            Three things you wish you were great at

2.           Eight songs you love right now

3.           Bullet your whole day

4.           Things you want to say to an ex

5.           Five pet peeves

6.          What you ate today

7.           Put your music player on shuffle and write the first 10 songs

8.          Your family

9.          Ten things you want to say to 10 people

10.        Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

11.         Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

12.         Five things you always think “what if…” about

13.        Five items you lust after

14.        Three legitimate fears and how they became fears

15.        Your academics

16.        Four things that you miss

17.        A quote you try to live by

18.        Five places you’d like to move to or visit

19.        Weird things you do when you’re alone

20.       Three things you’re excited for

21.         How have you changed in the past 2 years?

22.        What kind of person attracts you?

23.        Your current relationship, if you’re single discuss how single life is

24.        The last argument you had

25.        Something you can’t seem to get over

26.       The month you were happiest this year and why

27.        Seven random facts about yourself

28.       What is your dream job and why

29.       If you could rid the world of 10 things, what would they be?

30.       Describe your ideal life in 10 years

31.        What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month

Blueberry Pecan Granola

Fall and winter are beautiful seasons, especially in the mountains. The leaves change and fall away leaving the Maples and Oaks bare and eerie. You wake up one winter morning to a sparkling white blanket gently veiling everything: The scenery that once had definition and contrast is now soft with contours. 

But there are a few drawbacks to these seasons. The most notable one to me right now is... the lack of FRESH BLUEBERRIES!!

Fortunately I have discovered that I can get my fix from dried blueberries. This recipe is so very delicious:


Blueberry Pecan Granola

Ingredients:
     2 1/2 cups of rolled oats
     1 1/2 cups of chopped pecans
     1/2 cups of sliced almonds
     1/2 cups of sunflower seeds
     2 Tbsp brown sugar
     1 tsp cinnamon
     1/2 tsp salt
     1/3 cup coconut oil
     1/3 cup pure maple syrup
     1 tsp vanilla extract
     2/3 cup dried blueberries

Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 300 F and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.
2. Stir together oats, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt.
3. In a small saucepan heat coconut oil, maple syrup, and vanilla extract until it is almost to a boil. 
4. Pour hot liquid mixture over the dry oat mixture and stir until everything is saturated. Spread evenly onto the baking sheet with parchment paper.
5. Bake for 25 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.
6. Remove from oven and immediately stir in the blueberries.
7. Let cool and enjoy!
8. Have a great day =)

Fires Don't Burn Forever

My Almost Lover,

It's completely conceivable that writing you a letter in a time like this will be the death of me, but I know that my words don't always come out right during verbal conversation.

The impact you've made on my life is meaningful and every moment we are together is completely satisfying. You make me smile, you make me think, you slow me down, you keep me wondering. I underestimate you and I realize that when I step back. But also, from my view when I step back, I realize that I am the one with the false impression, the one who judges harshly, generalizes unfairly, expresses temporary emotions uncontrollably. I want to make you feel exhilarated, passionate, adored. I want to release your inner-romantic, but my independence stands in front of me like a chain link fence -- one that I can climb over, but for some reason choose not to. I'm very sorry for that. You've been good to me and patient with me and it will always pain me to let you down.

Sadly, I think I was conscious of our fate from the beginning, and I held onto hope carefully, like an ice cube, with the possibility that the winter would restore it's composition. I believe in the potential that growth and change would draw me closer to you until you became my oxygen. Everything is natural, nothing is forced with you, and I strangely love the way you disarm me until I feel exposed waiting for you to make what you will with what I have expressed. You show me who I am, in a way, and it helps me remodel and build the person I want to be.

The flowers that were thoughtfully selected, presented, and placed in a vase of water, now stand fixed and dry in the vase. The water that remains is not sufficient to restore their vitality in the once vibrant, soft petals, and it only acts to prolong the perpetual fading that is apparent in the green stems. It seems a naive faith that the flowers would thrive without their roots, but it was worth the effort and their appeal is not to be forgotten or regretted.

I adore you and I hope we remain close.

Stay as you are,

Hope Token

Mighty Maple

There you go again, fading faultlessly

As though you didn’t want me to notice

As though you didn’t realize your loss

And I adore your presence in the spring

But your true colors are exposed most

When you quiver in the crisp fall zephyr

If the evening sun angles to your favor

You appear to be more alive than ever

Yet I’m sorry to know your cry for heed

Grants no wishes toward your mortality

And that the flattery fails to stop time

So your richest red and brightest yellow

Is the final statement you will herald

Before the winter cloaks you in white

Like a child I will defend your beauty

Step outside with a glue bottle in hand

With innocent intention to revive you

But my feet crush your fallen assets

Those dry skeletons that were once nimble

And used to wave as I ran down the street

But it’s not your fault, it’s just your time

And I respect your aim to fade so casually

Yet anticipate your revival in the spring

And appreciate your tangled fall tantrum.

Back in the Nest

One month of living at home and unemployed, it was time to make a decision: move in or move out.

The carpet of my room barely peaks through the mounds of unorganized clean clothes (some probably filthy) and other seemingly miscelaneous items scattered throughout. Getting to my bed on the far side of the room is like playing a game of twister by yourself. I lose the game every time - snap a pair of sunglasses under my foot, leave a dark footprint on my white shirt, or puncture my skin with a rebel tac.  

The decision to move in or out wasn't actually mine to make. It was theirs, whoever they are who never called me for a follow up interview. Heck, they didn't even email me to say "From your letters of recommendation, you sound like be a wonderful, passionate, hard-working person; but we are sorry to inform you that we have found somebody more qualified for the job." Nope, none of that. I finally logged onto their website to view my application status, which bluntly stated: REVIEWED; NOT SELECTED.

Ma! Pa! I'm officially moving in! No more of this half-in half-ready-to-flee crap, with boxes still packed as they were when I left my college apartment. I'm literally making myself at home, because it's going to be a cold winter back in the nest.

I find myself snapping back at the stellar jay heckling me outside the window. "Shush, you! It's not my fault I'm not qualified for any of the jobs I'm applying for!" He just cocks his head to the left, then to the right, and shuffles away from me along the power line. 

See, living at home can be a bit of a doosy. The pecking order of cards in my wallet has flipped. Instead of my credit card and ID being the most used, my library card has shuffled forward. If you text me and ask me what I'm up to, my reply will probably leave you wondering if you accidentally texted your grandma instead. Hello, I'm actually knitting a giant sock to keep the exposed toes of my brothers casted leg warm. Yes, I'm handwriting letters to my friends in other regions of the country. Mhmm, I sure am planting a bulb garden in our front yard. I spent half a day listening to Van Morrison and making origami flowers, then when I decided to fill out my dry erase board calendar, I had no events or trips or due dates to busy it with. Just a perfectly empty month of October.

And a perfectly empty month of October it will continue to be at this rate. 

But there is beauty in downtime. The beauty to be creative. The beauty of self improvement. The beauty of strengthening blood relationships. The beauty of inspiration that pours out of the fountain of freedom. But I'm penniless, so with nothing but pocket lent to throw in the well, it's taking a lot of initiative to bust out the walls of this box. 

So, alternatively, I sift through the boxes that contain evidence of my five years at college being what they were. Pictures, letters, sentimental objects, and lots of memories attached to just about everything. Unpacking made me realize how long college really was. The flux of people who impacted my life, for the better or worse, ushered to my current status tears and laughter, sometimes both at the same time. In every romance there was a climax immediately followed by a downfall. In every friendship there was time and space undulating between us with no sense of rhythm or direction. With every personal battle, there remains a scar and a lesson learned. Sadly in college, I had no eminent endurance for anything but running and school, what I considered my noble priorities. And now that I'm finished with those priorities, I'm left with a hint regret for not following through on some aspects of my personal life. The irony of it all is that my passion lies in personal relationships. It's love that I must find before this life is over. It's love that ignites a fire in me to change or grow or create. It's love that my orbit wraps in a cozy desire. 

It's love that has now soared high and mighty as my noble priority.

It's love that I'm searching for...    

Summer Storms

Day after day he drifts through

Predictable as the hands of a clock

Shadowy, cruel, and tempered

He grumbles with an eerie resonance

Hungry from the journey

He strikes!

Then bellows deep and wicked

For those unimpressed by his repute

Who stand boldly in his path

He throws an unnerving tantrum

With a marvelous announcement

He cries, roars, swats, and harasses

His agonistic aura unwelcome

He sulks off down the road

Soon to return on tomorrows winds

Hey

Hey

Remember me?

Remember when I traced your smile in the stars

Even as the moon waned, your eyes grew wide with passion

And the poetry composed itself as I eased into your life

We saw the light

Remember the lake that buoyed our reckless flame

Free and young and feisty like your mane in the wild breeze

And it blazed on despite the waves rapping at our barricade

We were invincible

Remember the night that fervor alone silenced our shiver

When your lips were no longer blue from the oceans aching kiss

My ear pressed to your chest and your snore was my lullaby

I felt eternity

Remember when “I love you” breathlessly slipped out

Though skeptical, I tried to dwell on it for some poetic inspiration

But time gets hungrier when you want a moment to linger

I missed my chance

Remember the fog that crept into the void of our bond

It gathered and condensed as we neglected to clear it out

And with a thunderous surge, fate ripped me from your heart

You saw it coming

Remember, you saw it coming and you just stopped trying

Like everything else that poses a challenge in your flawless life

You dug a trench and covered it up with your excuses

You walked away

Hey...

Remember me?

A New Beginning

This is the day! After a year of neglect, I'm unstacking the heavy science books, running logs, and responsibilities that have been stifling my expressive writing. My hands are wide open, palms open the invigorating sunbeams that shine down on my endless summer. The gesture appears as a hybrid between a elated praising of the universe for the freedom it has bestowed on me, and muddled shrug that signals the question "What the hell do I do now?" Although the path I am toeing is broadcasted with destinations neatly carved into wooden arrows, I've got a compass behind my eyelids, with a tiny copper arrow that whirls excitedly to the rhythm of my soul.

I feel as though I am starting fresh. I have received my Bachelors of Science in Microbiology, a feat that I invested far more time into than I was okay with. I have laid five years of diligent training down onto the rugged track in the last race of my collegiate running career. I have packed my possessions and moved out of Isla Vista, the little community that made me into a more tolerant and well-rounded person. I have accomplished a lot in the last five years, and made friends that I will never again take for granted. 

And all that was siphoned up into a big bad tornado that spit me ruthlessly into the "real world." Although I'm not in Kansas anymore, I'm pretty darn stoked about the opportunities that lay ahead of me!   

So here's to the road ahead, may it be filled with joy!


What I'm listening to: Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam