In Somnis Veritas

Day 4: Things you want to say to an ex.

We were doing so well. You would call me just to tell me about the waves or a photo opportunity or about climbing a mountain. I would laugh and shake my head as I listened to your voicemails, your slow hippie drawl and your choppy chuckles. I was so busy that I missed almost all of your calls, but you were patient and laid back. When I would pick up the phone, you were always so surprised. I loved those moments, when we would banter on about being absent and joke around in phony accents. My jar of pennies is near full now, so I might be able to fly to you! I promised you I would visit you when I graduated and I intended to… until you cut me off…

It was a bittersweet romance and I never had a better companion. You embodied who I wanted to be, and you understood that I had to first pay my dues to society before we could run away together. I loved your nerve. In high school you would mouth off to a teacher, spring up out of your desk, and march out of the classroom. It’s funny we got along so well. I was always so obedient and polite while you were a renegade to society.

I thought that the break up was the end of you and I. It was painful, even for me. I was so worried about you that I called your mom to voice my concern about the possibility of you committing suicide. You hated this city, felt it sucked the life out of people. I knew that was true, too, but didn’t admit it. You said: “And that’s where we differ somewhat on our views of the world. I’ve wanted to live a life where I can affect as many people as possible in a positive way through my actions, and them seeing how I live my life on a day to day basis. I wanna see what the world is about, it’s people, it’s plants, it’s animals, before I’m not gonna be here to see it anymore. We only have one life to live, and if we get stuck in the ‘normal interpretation’ of life… of go to school, get a job, a family, and die… then how have we experienced life for ourselves? The only thing we have done is accepted what society thinks we should do, and its no different from becoming a cow walking into a slaughterhouse just because all of his buddies are doing it. To me, I’ll give up anything to live life where I can live it for it’s experiences its been my dream forever, I’ve just been unaware of how to accomplish that, until recently, and I’ll give up anything to make it a reality. It’s not just my dream. It’s what I am going to do.”

And then you left to pursue your dream.

Time and space directed us back to a healthy friendship. I would tell you everything on my mind, without a filter. You would do the same. I was so happy just knowing you were happy. Living the dream.

But this all boils down to April of 2013. I haven’t heard from you since.

I thought you could be traveling. Or taking a break from technology. Maybe you were busy, or testing me to see the lengths I’d go to reach you. I called, I texted, I emailed, I waited. Then I called again, texted again, emailed again. Nothing.

What the fuck going on? Did I say something wrong? Who are you these days? Where are you these days? Why are you ignoring me? Have you let someone take over your life and the people important to you?

Please. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and this separation makes me angry and sorrowful and baffled all at once. It’s true that you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone.

“I miss you – like a flower misses its petals during the cold.

I miss you – like a teddy bear misses its stuffing, after the jack terrier grabs hold.

I miss you – like a sailor misses the stars on an overcast night.

I miss you – like a soldier misses his wife, during an overseas fight.”

Now that you’re gone, I am certain that I miss you more than ever.